Patience is a VIRTUE!!!

Patience is definently something God is trying to teach me lately. Let's see I want to be a youth intern, but i have to wait on that as well as being a Younglife leader, because I'm not quite old enough. Also God has blessed my voice with such potential, but sometimes its just so hard to wait on the potential to become reallity. Then there is waiting to date the guy i like, but I know that I need to be patient and wait for God's timing, but sometimes I feel like God's timing isn't fast enough!! lol

All in all though I know in the end it will ALL be sooo incredibly worth it!! I have never had much patience for anything and I think that has hindered my walk with God for so long. Also with being patient, I have put things such as my dreams for my future- getting married, having kids, being a choir director and or hopefully someday being a stay at home mom, and being possibly a girl's minister at a church in the way of totally focusing on God and what he wants me to be doing right now this very minute of my life. I heard this verse the other day that has totally stuck with me since I read it:

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my
cry. He lifted me
out of the slimy pit, out of mud and mire; he set my feet
on a rock and gave me
a firm place to stand." Psalms 40: 1-2

These verses really got me thinking. Even though I seem to always cry out to God I never seem to just be patient and see what he will do in me and my life around me. So I have started to really just trust God and know that all will be well in the end. God can do so much more through me when I just step back and give him the reigns. Just as he did in Japan God is continually ruining me each day, so that he can be in control of my life!

Its definently a work in progress. I would love to say I'm all healed and now I am just a patient person who only has eyes for her Lord, but I know it takes work for me to become more patient and fully give myself to God, but I am sooo ready to take up the challenge. I am very thankful to all of my friends who are trying to keep me accountable by reminding me God is in control and that he has great plans for me and that his timing is perfect. I am so excited to see what God will continue to do in my life in the days ahead!!! Glory to God!!

God is AMAZING!!!!

So now its been almost 2 months since I returned from being in Tokyo, Japan for 9 days! And what an absolutely amazing experience it was!! It was actually more than amazing!! The only way I can begin to describe it is to say that my heart is still in Tokyo! I will never ever fo;rget my experience there! I cannot wait to go back! I actually may be going back next summer for the whole summer, which I feel so blessed that God wants me to return!

God in the midst of my selfish desires gave me the opportunity to spread his name in Tokyo, Japan! It couldn't have been a better experience! the people in Tokyo are extremely friendly and very open to hear what you have to say. It was just mesmerizing to see God's ancient work in the hearts of the Japanese! In the days there we saw two people come to the Lord which was just amazing, because we weren't expecting any at all!! We (all 200 0f us on the trip )probably talked to close to 3,000 people or more about God's word! My heart is definently still there! But I have realized that I need to use my life here in the U.S. as my mission field. I don't have to go to the other side of the world to spread his word, i need to remember that I can right here where I am in Belton, Texas!

God also showed me to listen and obey him in all I do. Saying no will get me nowhere, but saying yes will open so many more doors. I say this because I felt God calling me to go back to Japan next summer and it totally messed up all plans I had, but I know I need to follow his will and not my own. I was ruined by him while in Japan, and I will continued to be ruined by him everyday, and know that his plans are waaayyy better than my own plans.

Another thing I learned was the power of prayer! Oh my word I never realized how powerful prayer was until I was on this trip. Yeah I have seen God answer prayers before, but I have never experienced such immediate responses from him as I did in Japan. We would be just standing there with our 5 min english posters trying to get people to come talk to us and somedays just nobody would come.. So then we would stop for a few minutes and pray that God would send people our way and sometimes immediately right after we prayed, people would come up to us , and sometimes it felt like they would just appear out of nowhere! lol All in all it was just absolutely amazing and I just feel so blessed I got to go! To God be the Glory forever and ever amen!!

"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted among the earth." -Psalms 46:10-

17 days!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe I am going to Japan in 17 days!!!!!! It's been about a year now since I felt God's calling to go to Tokyo, Japan! I still can't believe I'm going! If someone would have told me before super summer that I would be going to Japan on a mission trip I would have laughed at them and told them they were crazy! It's sooo unreal how much God has changed me in the past year. I went from being so shy and just wanting to fit in to finally starting to figure exactly who I am and who God wants me to continue to become:D

The whole process for Japan has been such a journey! From actually convincing my parents to let me go and then filling out the application and also sending in recomendation letters from people at church to actually raising the money to go. God used so many people in my life to help encourage and support me with this trip! I still can't believe I raised more money than I needed for the trip!! I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life who have and always have supported me in all I do!! I am so thankful for my parents for busting their behinds to help me raise the money and send in the payments on time and everything else they have helped me with for my trip!

Through this trip and also with getting ready for college I am learning more and more that God will provide for me and help me in all i do! Even when there have been times of such weakness I know that with God I will come out stronger in the end for in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 it states:
"But he said to me," my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong." I am so thankful to have God on my side! I know i could not survive without him! I'm so excited about this opportunity to spread God's name in Japan!

Graduation!!!!!!

So its been almost a week since I've graduated and it hasn't sunk in all the way yet! lol I think it will on the 11th of June when i sign up for classes lol. I cannot wait to see what all God is going to do this summer! Especially with going to Japan!!! I wrote a poem for my English class a 2 weeks ago about what I had expected of my Senior year and it definently describes who i am now:) I cannot wait to see how God uses my passion in the years ahead!

What I Expected of Senior Year

Fun, Parties,

Hanging out with friends

And reading,

With not a care

In the world,

Thinking the whole year

Would be fun and games.

What I had not forseen

Was the fiery passion,

Burning in my heart,

Chasing the selfishness away,

Making the love for the Lord,

Spill over to be shared with others,

Showing them how great,

That love is-

True and unconditional.

The wearing of time

And the longing in my soul,

To someday have a fairytale ending,

Clouded my eyes and heart,

Making the fire dim to a glow,

Filling my life with sorrow.

Then being filled again with

The spirit of my Lord,

My fiery passion was restored,

Plus more.

For I had expected always

To just fade into the background,

Someone not to be heard,

To not be remembered,

But instead,

I have a passion,

A voice to be heard,

Avoice for my Lord.

WHY?????

Things have been going so well for until yesterday... As of yesterday my best friend Joel, who lives 11 hours away, and I now basically have 0 contact with eachother for who knows how long... So no phone calls and no chatting on the computer and obviously we live too far away to hang out. I love him so much! He is my bestest friend. I tell him basically everything. Even though he lives so far away he is always there for me. When I need someone to just cry and complain to he is always there to just listen and cheer me up. I don't know what I would do without him, but now I guess I have to find that out... I'm trying to just trust God, but i keep finding myself asking God "why?". Why is this happening? Why did you take him from me? What are you trying to show me? As I cried out to God, God just began reminding me to trust him and that all will be well. Through all this my favorite verse keeps popping up.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you
and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11-

As much as all this hurts I know God will get me through this. He always does, and I know God doesn't make mistakes. I know someday I will look back and understand "why?" this has happend. I just wish i didn't have to wait to know "why?". I am also reminded of the song "Beauty From Pain" by Superchick the chorus goes:

"After all this has passed,

I still will remain,

After all I've cried my last,

There will be beauty from pain,

Though it won't be today,

Someday I'll hope again,

And there will be beauty from pain,

You will bring beauty from my pain."

It's such a comfort to know that God is here and with me through everything even when things get so incredibly tough. And God always brings as the song says "beauty from pain". So as I continue to try and just get through this I know I am not alone which makes its so much easier.

So Much Change!

God has changed me so much in the past month! It all started January 18th with a guy. He and I had been "talking" for about a month, and I was falling hard for him. He and I had dated before, but he was different then. He was not a good guy at all, but now he was a Christian and was so nice and totally changed for the better. Long story short I found out that he had wanted to take advantage of me. I was so incredibly devastated and hurt. I had thought he loved me. Apparently he didn't. He lied to me and to everyone around me. I also found out I had helped him cheat on his girlfriend... It was a horrid situation. I was so hurt and felt so used. I felt I couldn't even trust my guy friends anymore, because I was so afraid of getting hurt.

Monday and Tuesday I cried and cried. I would be sitting in class and then just burst into tears. Wednesday I was so worn out from crying that I just stayed home from school, and just prayed and prayed that God would get me out of this. Thursday was a little better. I didn't cry, but i still hurt so incredibly bad.Then Friday rolled around.

My youth group and I went to see the movie "To Save A Life" and then afterwards we went back to my church along with another youth group for a worship service. My youth group performed a skit that was just really impacting called the "Everything"- by Lifehouse skit. It was awesome. The worship leader was awesome and the songs really moved me. Then the speaker spoke. He told us the story of David and Bathsheba, using it as an introduction to his testimony. He use to be the type of guy that would say and do anything to get what he wanted from a girl. Then God got a hold of his heart, and totally changed him. As he told his story I just began bawling. It made me think about how hurt I was and how maybe there was hope for the guy who I had almost dated again.

After the speaker gave his testimony we had an invitation time. I somehow ended up at the kneeling rail just bawling my eyes out even more. I started praying, and I felt God's healing hand just start to heal me. Some of my youth group and some adults began to pray over me and I could feel God's loving arms just wrap around me.

After the service I went up to the speaker and just told him everything. I told him about had happened and almost happened. I also told him how I felt that Satan had been using guys to distract me from what God wanted me to do. I told him I was feeling called to ministry in some way. The speaker gave me some really good advice and encouragement and then he prayed over me and gave me a hug. God used him to help me to start to heal from all I was dealing with.The speaker and I have even become pretty good friends now. lol He is an awesome young man and God is going to do great things with him.

After that night I just began to pray that God would help me to just keep myself focused on him, and that I wouldn't be distracted. I began reading a book called " Lady In Waiting". It's about drawing closer to God and becoming the woman God wants a woman to be while she is waiting on "Mr. Right". As I began I felt God tugging on my heart as he had since June to surrender my life to ministry. I started praying about what ministry God wanted for me. I feel God leading me in the direction of youth ministry specifically with tween and teenage girls, but I am still praying about it. So about 3 weeks ago at church I went down the aisle to surrender my life to ministry. I just cannot wait to see how God want to use me in the days ahead!

Wanting to be a Rose

Today at church i recieved a note from a lady at church regarding the boy troubles i have been dealing with the lately. Here is what it said:

(on the front where it was folded)

God gives the best to those who leave the choice with him.

(on the inside)

Ellen,

You are God's beautiful precious rosebud. You were created to be a helpmate to one very lucky man- His precious rose. Don't give your petals away- He is worth waiting for. I remember vividly my struggles.

See you tuesday,

You are in my prayers,

T. B.

• live with no regrets so that God can bless you even more abundantly beyond what you could ask or think.


• Are you being faithful to your husband now?

When I finished reading it I was like WOW. I was speechless. This was something I really needed to hear. It really got me thinking: am I giving my rosepetals away?Am I being faithful to my future husband? When i started really thinking about it I realized that I have been giving some of my petals away. I have worn my heart on a sleeve for so long letting guys take a piece or so from me. Those pieces will never come back unfortunately. I have realized I need to not wear my heart on my sleeve, so I won't give my "petals" away so freely. I want my future husband to have me as a full rose and not just pieces of one.

I interpret being faithful to my future husband staying totally pure until marriage. Physically I have been 95% faithful. because i have kissed a few guys. Mentally though i haven't been even 95% faithful and pure. BUT i know that God can help me purify my mind and actions so that I will stay pure for my future husband.

So to sum up the rest of my thoughts I want to make sure I don't just settle on some guy. I want to wait on the guy God has for me. I know God will bless me with someone who will be absolutely amazing. After knowing some of the totally awesome guys i have been blessed to call friends in the past year I can't wait to see who God has for me someday! And even when i feel like that it wont happen i remember the verse Jeremiah 29:11 which states:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord," plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

So to say the least God is amazing and full and total control of my life. I look forward to the days ahead as God coninues to put me closer and closer to my future husband and some day my beautiful ending where i will spend enternity with God!!!